i am so dead

ghostparty @ 2009-03-21T10:02:00

2009-03-21T14:05:45Z

dohhhh dearinternet i am in aterrible moodr ightnow because i got my tonsils out last week and i still cant eatandi am so hungry i just want a pizza. i finally felt better after six days in bed so i wnt to mcdonalds and triedto eat a cheeseeburger and i couldnt swallow it and itwas a very patheetic experience. i felt likean escaped nursing homepatient. and no one willcome over and watch movies with me. and my roommate is outof town and i just want her to come back i thought she was comingb ack yesterday and i was so excited but then she said she was coming back this morningbutthen i woke up and she texted me to tell me she's not even coming back untiltomorrow i cant really stand being herealone anyorethere is only so much staring outthewindowi can do. and this boy i brok eup with keeps texting me inm the middle of thenight because he thinks i am thatkind of girl. even if i was that kind of girl sorry i cant suck your dick because im an invalid and i cant even SWALLOW IM IN A BAD MOOOD im lonely and really hungry GOD

ghostparty @ 2009-02-20T11:31:00

2009-02-20T16:40:32Z

guys, i think i'll start posting in my lj more, i kind of miss it. here is a picture of my room space. with recently YELLOW walls and my lil life altar:

anyway, i mostly just want to talk about my kitty rat rat because i am increasingly amazed at his ability to bring joy into my day. i seriously think gettin this lil cat has made me excited about life all over again. he sleeps on my bed and wakes up when i wake up and plays games and eats all the plants. i can't believe i've had him for almost a year and i can't believe he is so fucking resilient. he's had four houses since i got him and has traveled back and forth from ny to tx twice!! once in the car for four days without even cryin too much! life ispretty great cause i either have a cute boy inmy bed, or a kitty, or both.

also, ali and i are currently really into ayurvedic cooking?? probably causewee arereally gay//// also we drink a ton of coffee and finally figured out how to make it not make you feel like death after awhile, which is to infuse it with ginger and cardamom.

coffee
1 tsp ginger
3 cardamom pods
1 tsp cinnamon

all in the filter, brew like normal

BYE

i am on a roll

2008-12-08T20:23:26Z

third time i fell down:
i slipped in a giant puddle of beer and landed on my ass. a cute boy helped me up and we proceeded to ~flirt~ for several minutes until i mentioned my therapist wears a fucking eyepatch at which point he got totally freaked out and suggested we ~dance~ weed em out weed em out

ghostparty @ 2008-12-05T19:20:00

2008-12-06T01:23:03Z

times i fell down since yesterday:

-on the stairs, i landed on my butt and the bag of cat shit i was carrying landed in my mom's horrific fake garland
-walking down guadalupe, telling my sister how my latest boytoy turned out to be creep of the earth, i fell flat on my face and my red shoes went flying. my sister wouldn't give them back to me.

livejournal is only for :( :( :(

2008-10-29T03:58:33Z

things to think about when you are feeling really bad:
-walking through surprise snowslush with georgia and norel and georgia saying HELL ON EARTH THIS IS JUST HELL ON EARTH
-look at mydeathspace for people who are dead, probably in dumber ways than you will ever die
-cats wearing hats
-max having bleached hair
-max doing anything
-the time i looked in my closet and all i saw was a set of toy guns, a sailor hat, and a vibrator

ghostparty @ 2008-10-13T10:44:00

2008-10-13T15:46:27Z

life rules, or, a brief list of reasons not to kms:
-my sister is really tall and she has a really short roommate with a british accent
-sometimes my cat sits on my head
-sometimes my mom brings me cheese stick snacks
-tv on the internet

ghostparty @ 2008-10-04T10:31:00

2008-10-04T15:35:54Z

new lifepatterns i am stoked on:
-cloe coming over to watch tv on the internet all the time. law and order svu + house
-having a bestfriends
-nearly naked twister
-doing my math homework at jim's

do:
-go back to new york. finish school because it's pretty important, idiot
-enjoy year of clarity. swim a lot
-draw because this is most important. you are ready
-get over b. again
-enjoy spinsterdom
-write letters to friends who are runnin' round in london and berlin
-go to library a lot
-stop dressing business casual all the time hah ahahhahaha

k bye guys i have a date with my dad!!! cracker barrel + math homework!!!

ghostparty @ 2008-09-02T13:16:00

2008-09-02T18:33:46Z

dear diaryyyy,,,,

how do i feel i don't feel an-y-thing. gettin' m or eand more introverted and there's nothin to do but lay in bed all day with my books and my cable tv. sometimes my roommate jake makes me get out of bed and we sit on the front porch drinkin beer eatin tacos and playin dominoes and goin on adventures to every cantina this side of the highway. jake taxidermies. he taxidermied the bear pillow on our couch. i like jake. yesterday he taught me how to play not only dominoes but also pool. i am not very good at dominoes or pool but this is PROGRESS. it is better than dressing up my cat and getting enormous, unmatched pleasure out of doing my pre-cal homework.

austin:
+mom dad sister
+cloe rolland
+close group of friends i have known forever and love dearly and feel very comfortable with and laugh at my ~hilarious jokes~
+rat rat has a kitten friend and lots of room to play
+house
+good roommates
+swimming pools, trees, bbbb springs
+way cheap livin'
+comfortable job
+math homework
+smiling and small talk with strangers
+real school
+makes parents incredibly happy
-driving everywhere
-i can't buy beer :((((
-everyone at my school is an idiot retard
-i don't make any drawings
-i don't have any room to draw
-i never leave the house
-what if i'm giving up on something important
-i am getting too comfortable, what am i doing where am i going w hat whathththt

new york:
+good roommates
+miawillmaxthomasfriends
+ben kisses
+public transportation and walking everywhere
-insecurityinsecuritytytytyt
+drawing a lot
+having a studio
+/- cooper union
+reputable institution of higher learning ahrhrharhr
-lots of idiot douchebags
-art school
-makes parents incredibly unhappy
-what do i do with the rest of my life
-jerks
-expensive
-far away from my heart
-winter
-i never leave the house
-too much broken heart

this livejournal is still about my dad

2008-08-14T20:48:03Z

i live in austin now which is so scary and awesome!! i don't know what i'm doing! but i am living in a cute house with my cat and chelsea and her cat and jake and his washer and dryer, and my room has green walls, and we have a backyard, and i'm taking a math class this semester, and i'm a secretary and i get to dress up everyday again, and i feel really safe and loved and these are all things i have wanted for a long time. i think it is ok to give stuff up to be happy i guess.

me and my dad drove from texas to new york and back and it ruled. we ate every meal at cracker barrel!! we accidentally missed going to the World's First Cracker Barrel in lebanon, tennessee even though we drove right by it. BUMMER. my dad talks about rocks and trucks and stuff a lot and he is cool.

this is my dad's grocery list:
-cat brush
-cat food
-hot dogs
-beer
-card for dad
-ice cream

ghostparty @ 2008-07-20T18:42:00

2008-07-20T23:54:47Z

it is like i crawled out of a hole at the bottom of the earth and now i am in texas. everyone knows my name and is excited to see me and is full of love in their hearts. fuck new york. i want to move back here and live in a little yellow house with my cat and not have my heart hurt everrrrrr.

there are so many animals here. here are some animals i saw:

and that is just in my yard mostly

in other news i swam naked under the full moon, i am still mildly retarded, and my high school crush got really fat!

love,
liss

ghostparty @ 2008-05-30T22:23:00

2008-05-31T02:23:53Z

well dearrrrrrr diary,

i am 20 years old. what am i supposed to be doing? i am a waitress at the double roses diner. everyday i go to work and then i get off work and i put on my hawaiian print romper and i lay on the balcony and read books. i sleep w ith moderately successful rock stars and then i never see them again and i feel bad about myself. my life is really similar to sandy's on the first season of melrose place, southern waitress selling t&a, but then she got cut. i have good days, i make lemon bars, and i sunbathe, i moonbathe, i do tarot readings for myself, i nap, what am i supposedddd tobe doiiiiinggggg

ohhhh my godddddd

dearrrrrr diarrryyyy i am just being honest

ghostparty @ 2008-05-10T17:45:00

2008-05-10T21:52:18Z

hey diary,

i turned twenty a few days ago. i still have a babyface. i smoked weed and ate popsicles and layed in the sun. i am not a grown up.

my best birthday present was a bag full of sex toys from calla, who is interning at playgirl. calla is a good friend, we have been having the best adventures. last week the j wasn't running so we just walked over the bridge, and walked and walked and kept walking, and our feet did not even hurt. our friends asked us to get ice cream so we went to food bizarro, my favorite grocery store. food bizarro closes at 11:30. when we got there it was 11:27 but they still would not let us in!! we begged and pleaded and whined, this was especially awkward because we couldn't actually leave, as calla had a hot date meeting her at food bizarro. finally they let us in!! everyone stood in a line and watched us run through the store and they were all yelling GO GO GO GO GO GO GO and laughing so much at us. we got our ice cream!!! then we were walking to will and thomas's house and we went down a weird street i never go down, and a green balloon started to follow us. it was a green balloon with a string that was floating along at exactly human height, not rising or falling. it came towards us, went past, turned in a right angle, went across the street, turned in a right angle again, and followed us back. of course at this point we were running really fast, because that shit was scary. that night had a lot of running.

lots of good nights!!! school's out for summer!!! almost!!!!1 basically all my friends live on leonard st or close-by blocks!!! i wanna play soccer!! yeah go team!!!

here's things to remember now that i am a not-not grownup:
-always be honest, especially to yourself
-glare less
-ask more questions
-watch more dumb movies
-do things you want
-water plants
-no more makin' out, at least until it makes sense
-brain in head, head on shoulders, shoulders back, feet on ground

ghostparty @ 2008-04-30T10:48:00

2008-04-30T14:54:16Z

i am so exhausted and unhappy and i feel like throwing a fit!!! will i ever be less retarded than i was in high school!!!

-a man in a suit sat down right next to me, poked a hole in a roll with his finger, opened a can of vienna sausages, dumped the entire thing into the hole in the roll, and ate it
-an enormously fat woman sat on top of me on the train i saw her buttcrack descending upon me and there was nothing i could do
-those are the most exciting two things that have happened this week
-some dude just broke up with me and it is so insulting because we were not even really dating!!! you are not allowed to act like you're breakin my heart because you're just not!!!! god!!!! really it jsut makes me angry and i want to kick shit!!!
-as a sweet consolation prize he is setting me up with a good internship with his friend who makes pretty cool drawings
-have to stop kissing all the wrong boys + probably take oath of celibacy
-i am about to turn twenty and i am still so stupid!!!
-i still write in my internet diary!!!

ghostparty @ 2008-04-11T10:48:00

2008-04-11T14:48:21Z

hey guys i don't want to jinx it or anything but this has been a pretty great week. good things have come to me in kisses and kittens, namely one tiny black kitty named rat rat toad. he ran up to me last night and this girl gave me food and litter and stuff and this totally rules!! fortunately i had just rented the witches, and now i have a powerful black witch cat to hang out and watch the witches with. i am pretty happy with my lazy slow life of drawing cooking feasts watching tv on the internet and bizarro affairs. soon it is summer and life with doubly ruuuuuleeee k bye dudes

place of my heart

2008-03-19T02:43:44Z

du de, texas, pink sunglasses dirty hair no underwear.i went swimming a lot, and ate a lot, and had leisurely lunches, good hugs, and one requisite warm lone star. i love my mommy i love my daddy i love my sister i love abby and cloe and ben and graham and everyone else. i am alright. now i am bored ddudes come over

i am nineteen for a month or so more so i better make the most of my retardation

my life is really important

2008-02-19T05:09:08Z

-i keep having dreams where i'm about to get married but i forgot who i'm marrying and there's bbq sauce on my dress. what can this mean???
-yesterday i had a panic attack because i can't balance any of the important rainbows of my life which are drawing my stupid rainbows and eating a rainbow assortment. i just can't be in so many places at once.
-the other day we got the elevator stuck for over an hour because we were singing in t he jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight and rubbing our butts on t he walls.
-that thing where i am embarrassed about everything i have ever said or done is happening again. god i need to get out of here.

heartbreak is weird world

2008-02-02T13:34:14Z

isn't it funny when you wake up and realize you've been totally nuts for the past week but you still don't even really feel that much better, just aware. everything in my body is screwed up, i have no appetite and i'm trying to quit smoking and i still throw up a lot. i have the best plan to quit smoking which is only smoke sobranie cocktail cigarettes because they are a. really embarrassing b. really gay c. so beautiful that i never want to smoke them to preserve the beautiful rainbow order.

yesterday in drawing this boy asked me what my drawing was so i went from the top and described everything, well here are two girls and then a big dick with three balls going into the tiniest rainbow vagina, and then there's these monsters coming off of it, and they are eating two weird witches, and the witches are vomiting, etc. he thought about it for awhile and then he say well, the way i see it, there is a good and evil vagina here. the tiny colorful vagina is inherently good and the big black vagina is evil. this was pretty much awesome. part of me wants to show you what i am drawing now but then again it is just the stupid internet.

today is going to be a rule day. i am awake at 8 am and my mom and sister will be here by the time it gets dark. that's good because i can handle the sunshine just fine it is the dark that gets me sad. this is what i'm going to do today:
-go to studio
-totally reorganize the way i paint, i want order and precision and plan and less mess. i'm going to think about it like my drawings but not so much that i am hindered by it. i got some graphite paint and i am ~stoked~
-read a lot
-think a lot
-feel good a lot
-try not to think about summer and floating in water too much
-find out what my sister wants to eat for breakfast tomorrow and obtain proper ingredients
-eat yummy fancy dinner with my mom and sister
-corrupt my little sister to an extent that is appropriate for age seventeen, actually i don't know anything about what's appropriate for age seventeen considering our former lifestylessss
-try to be nice to my sister, remember that she takes everything i say literally so my usual jokes don't go over very well
-go to warm sleep in my own bed because i am safe and warm and i have to remember that

weird world weeeeeird world

2007-12-09T23:32:04Z

DEAAAAR DIARY,

leading a double life of endless fart jokes brewskies bruises and red lipstick. i have lots of work but am amazingly not stressed out. i am a machine i am a machine or maybe i am just totally nuts and a total masochist. i will be in texas in two weeks and i simply cannot wait. i'd like to see my pals, hang out by some natural bodies of water, even it's too cold to swim, drink endless amounts of coffee, drive around, sleep til' 2, and otherwise do absolutely nothing.

i only write in here when i've been taking insane b vitamins and hallucinating my nights away, whatever. i woke up last night and the movie was still on and i thought it was the sinister recording that was talking to me just playing back over and over and over, and i freake dout, and went back to sleep, and my sheets smell goodooooooodododod oh yes.

love,
liss

some drawings i have been drawing

2007-10-26T04:10:15Z

it feels like i am fifteen again throwing tantrums lie on my floor listen to sonic youth and draw. i am kinda sad lately but at least i am firmly rooted in what is happening now. have stopped fantasizing about flying off of overpasses, landing in a small texas town where i am normal small hips and long hair, marry a nice boy maybe a soldier two kids and stray cats, train tracks. maybe i haven't stopped. anyways. the neighbors are loud i keep looking people in the eye too long, i saw a dead chicken on my way home i think, i just want to sleep a long time.

i really miss my sister i'm afraid she's going to die because i gave her bad advice which is to do exactly what i did in high school.

ghostparty @ 2007-10-21T02:16:00

2007-10-21T06:17:40Z

okay here is the new thing

stop feeling guilty about livng your life, do what you do feel what you feel draw what you draw, hide out, brain drain, sleep more go to school less, don't drink so much and don't think so much, you will be alright

ghostparty @ 2007-10-09T23:47:00

2007-10-10T03:54:36Z

dear diary dear baby jesus,

i just read some things i wrote on the seventeenth of june it broke my heart a little bit i have never missed texas more, but not real texas, just last summer texas, that was a real strange place where my mind was blown wide open and even if i didn't feel it then it was very important. it's funny because i usually don't miss texas anymore.

i have been very bad lately. i had a doll when i was a child with that nursery rhyme attached to it, there once was a little girl who had a little curl right in the middle of her forehead and when she was good she was very very good and when she was bad she was wicked, mostly i just feel like that girl, there are so many bad thignsi do in secret you know. i guess everyone is probably like that

stop
-talking to strangers
-talking

start
-saying what you mean
-doing what you do
-feeling what you feel
-sleepin'

good thing my apartment is top floor so i can hear the rain drop drop dropdrops

good thing i am excited about pretty much everything, good thing life is mostly hang out make things make out, good thing i am skipping town in two days to see my best friendbabyboy

ghostparty @ 2007-09-01T21:29:00

2007-09-02T01:37:26Z

DEAR DIARY,

i live in awesome town, i'm never going back to school and instead we can just hang out and play bikini beach babes all day. we're not allowed to go on the roof dad will be SO PISSED

life is a million tricks,
love, liss

you've got the AURA

2007-08-20T20:11:01Z

dear,

life is weird of COURSE life is weird. in real life i am cleaning obsessively, hangin' out on the balcony and making margaritas, pinatas, whatever, going to the beach, following small old ladies into church labyrinths full of furniture, improving neighborly relations, and perfecting the art of carrying furniture up three flights of stairs in heels or better yet, getting strangers to do it for me.

in brain life i am takin' those b vitamins sleepin' most of the time last night i went swimming in a very clear ocean with a bunch of mias and a dead amelia who she felt bad about not lending her hat to, so the dead amelia's head was in a toaster and i told mia she could dream the hat to her in heaven, she just had to mix the dead amelia's head with rose petals rosemary indigo. the dead amelia's grandmother approved a+++

anyways i'm having a lot of trouble trying not to drop out of life and live on a farm

hope you are all well, love, liss

sweet treats

2007-08-04T21:57:29Z

life is ruling, i quit my job finally and i just hang out with my mom and go to estate sales which satisfy all of my morbid curiousity and eat fancy desserts and drive real far away to get an icee, real icee, not slurpee, real icee with polar bear cup, for my dad. and coffee and our diner with my ladies. and tonight i am gonna eat mexican foodwith my mom and dad and sweet sister,and drink some beers, and see everyone in austin texas i hope. everyone is being so sweet and maybe i just know the world's best people. on monday i am moving to brooklyn with miss mia and i can twait to see everyone and jjust chill out.

estate sale finds, i like to $$$consume$$$
-dream shoes, dream shoesdreammmmmshoes! high heeled gray mary janes $$$$$1
-hand embroidered indian and big chief pillow + quilt + biggest softest down pilloww with sweet floral pillowcase
-doilies and glass bowls
-feathered hat
-skirts and dresssesss and cardigans andbelts and handbagsandshoes and scarves and lacy slips and a leopard print suit ah ahaha

ghostparty @ 2007-07-31T09:59:00

2007-07-31T14:59:46Z

hey all i gotta say is i never wanna see any soffes and flip flops ever again